He Said, She Said...

We’ve all heard opposites attract, and that’s definitely true in our case.  Like most couples, we had different upbringings. Bob was raised in Southern California in a two-parent home and lived in the same house from the time he was six until he went into the Army at seventeen.  Alisa was raised in Atlanta and Dayton by a single mom. They lived in several homes, until her mom met a wonderful man that took care of them.  After high school graduation Alisa went off to Eastern Kentucky University to pursue her career as an Occupational Therapist. 

Not only are our upbringings different, but our personalities are as well.  Bob is a direct, take charge kind of guy. He likes to have no frills conversations and isn’t big on hearing a long drawn out story. When it comes to change, he knows it needs to happen and realizes that there could be collateral damage. But, he understands it’s a part of growing a business. When he communicates with someone, he doesn’t always think about someone’s feelings. He just wants results. You know… “Give me the baby without the labor pains” kind of communicator.  Before I learned about Bob’s personality style, I viewed him as a get in your face, rude at times, walking confrontation. I didn’t understand how he could cut some one off in the middle of talking (on the road too), as if he knew what they were going to say, and he just didn’t have the time for them to spit it out. I didn’t understand how my husband could take such action, after all I didn’t have all the details yet.  It concerned me, and at times upset me. It was a struggle to observe or be a part of a conversation with him.    

Alisa, on the other hand, is an indirect communicator.  She wants to take the scenic route when she connects through the spoken word. When it comes to change, she wants to know how anyone and everyone will be affected. She understands a business needs to grow, but people’s feelings and livelihood do not need to be negatively impacted along the way. When she communicates with someone, she always thinks about their feelings. She wants to make sure that they are going to be okay. You know… “I’ve got a peaceful easy feeling, and I won’t let you down” kind of communicator. Before I learned about Alisa’s personality style, I viewed her as indecisive, too agreeable and a door matt to many.  It drove me nuts when I had to hear the entire story before I knew the point.  I didn’t understand how my wife couldn’t take action until she had all of everything.  It concerned me, and at times upset me. It was a struggle to observe or be a part of a conversation with her.    

As you can see, we hear, process and speak from a totally opposite frame of mind or reference. We are not alone here. Many of you reading or listening to this blog can relate. We will never think the same way, but can understand and communicate, in a way that makes sense to our spouse. The only way you can beware is to be aware of some basic information in this week’s “Marriage Moment.” 

Marriage Moment 

1. Are you “Outgoing or Reserved?” (Bob is Outgoing & Alisa is Reserved) 

1. Are you “Task Oriented or People Oriented?” (Bob is Task Oriented & Alisa is People Oriented) 

Knowing two main characteristics will begin to help you understand how to better communicate with your spouse. Please understand, that not everyone has the opposite personality style of their spouse. Sometimes you share the same style. We have God given personalities and sometimes opposites attract and sometimes they attack!  If we fail to develop our relationships by developing ourselves, they will certainly attack. 

Blessings, 

Bob & Alisa